Understanding Your Partner’s Needs

It is not uncommon for spouses to express dissatisfaction with a partner who for many years has acted faithfully and responsibly yet has failed to love in a meaningful and relevant way. Couples can easily fall into the illusion of believing that they know each other’s needs. In reality, they are often just assuming them.

Feelings and needs change during the years of adulthood and the years of a marriage. In addition, each person has unique feelings and preferences in relation to having their own needs met. Unless a partner volunteers that information, there is no way for one spouse to know what the other needs without asking. Rather than making assumptions, it’s important to find out from your partner his or her specific needs at any particular moment.

Here are three ways that can promote understanding:

Ask your partner what he or she needs from you.

In marriage each partner brings to the relationship a unique personality and a different background and set of expectations. The best way to find out what your partner wants or needs (if he or she has not told you) is to ask. Don’t try to guess. Misunderstanding wastes energy and can leave unnecessary emotional scars. Instead, ask your partner directly what specific behaviors he or she expects. For example, of your partner says that he needs you to be supportive, ask “what are the specific ways you’d like me to show you my support?” Ongoing interest and assertiveness can spare a couple unnecessary false assumptions and consequent dissatisfactions.

A dangerous assumption is that if your partner does not communicate any needs it means that his or her needs are being met. Some partners stop complaining not because their needs have been met, but because they have become disillusioned and emotionally detached. Silence is never good news.

Acknowledge and accept those needs.

Unrealistic expectations can be another obstacle to understanding a partner’s needs, such as expecting that a partner serve as personal cheerleader or emotional manager.

A good example is the spouse who complains that whenever he got home from work his partner bombarded him with the kids’ most recent crisis and put him to work around the house. Both partners were unrealistic in their expectations. He wanted to come home to a relaxed and cheerful wife who would leave him alone to relax after a long day. She expected a happy family man who’d return home full of energy, ready to help her with the kids and chores. These ideal expectations might be fulfilled on some days, but more often than not both had had a demanding day and it would have been more realistic for them to accept and help each other. When they replaced their unrealistic expectations with genuine understanding and acceptance of each other’s daily needs, their relationship became more real and rewarding.

Respond with affection, attention and appreciation.

Every person has three essential needs: attention, affection, and appreciation. It’s too easy to take these for granted or to neglect them; they’re essential to keeping your relationship strong and healthy. Offering attention, affection, and appreciation to a partner takes practice. It conveys the importance you place on the relationship. It says that a partner is lovable and special. Paying attention to these needs can make a huge difference in any marriage.