Taking Time Together

Relationship is at the heart of all of life!! In my community, the Sinsinawa Dominicans, “at the heart of ministry is relationship” is central to our way of being. And so in these many years of community life I have learned in countless way the importance of and how to sustain relationships.

All relationships, and especially a couple’s relationship, require time and nurturing if they are going to thrive. Today, for a variety of reasons, marriage often gets put on the back burner. So often, other things seem more important - careers, children, hobbies, community involvement, and personal pursuits. When a marriage isn’t attended to as it should be, trouble sets in.

People who don’t prioritize their relationships often end up fighting during the little time they do have together. They argue about day to day issues: unpaid bills, uncleaned houses, children. And it’s no wonder. It’s difficult to do what needs to be done to keep life moving in a productive direction, let alone try to coordinate your efforts with your partner’s when you’re under a time crunch. But the truth is, arguing about “who’s doing what around the house,” is really just a symptom of the deeper problem - isolation, loneliness and resentment. People argue about the mundane issues when their emotional needs aren’t being met. The coke can left in the living room becomes a symbol of a lack of caring for you.

There’s a Catch-22 in this. If you and your partner are arguing a lot, you don’t feel like spending time together. In fact, you want to spend as little time as possible together. Unfortunately, avoidance only makes matters worse: more distance, more tension, less cooperation, more conflict, and so on.

Not all couples who don’t prioritize their relationships argue when they’re together. Some simply have little to do with each other. They resign themselves to the distance and experience bouts of resentment from time to time. Leading parallel but separate lives, they start to fall out of love with each other or become strangers. Distance in relationships is love’s silent killer.

The fact is time together can be the great healer, even if it’s awkward at first. When two people commit to investing energy and time to their love life, only good things can come from it. When people put their relationships first, they feel appreciated and important. They feel loved. Spending time with your partner tells him or her in no uncertain terms, “You matter to me.” Time together gives people opportunities to collect new positive memories, to do activities they enjoy, to laugh at each other’s jokes, to renew their love.

And it doesn’t need to be enormous amounts of time spent together to foster a sense of closeness and connection. Regular, brief get-togethers work too. Totally revamping of your life is not necessary. Small changes in your schedule can make a huge difference. However, you do need to plan and schedule dates together. Write them down and keep them the same way you would another appointment. Your marriage is important too.

So remember:

• If you have children, do leave them at home. You and your partner need time alone. The best thing you can do for your children is make your marriage work.
• Don’t waste time trying to figure out whose fault it is that you haven’t been spending time together. It really doesn’t matter.
• Don’t let angry feelings get in the way of making plans with your partner. Research shows that the fastest way to change how you feel is by taking action. Doing something enjoyable together will make you and your partner feel more loving. As a result, you may even be able to resolve heated topics more easily in the future.
• Don’t think you have to go away to make time together meaningful. Nor do you have to spend a lot of money to show your love for your partner. Go for a walk around the block. Read a novel together. Set aside ten minutes each day to talk. Ride a bike. Pray together. Be creative.

One thing that I’ve learned in life is that there’s little that’s more important than loving people and having them love you back. Give the gift of your time. It will be well worth your while.

.