Praying as a Family

It’s been my privilege to meet many families around the diocese who hunger for a simpler lifestyle and for a life of meaning beyond power, prestige and possessions. They want to be strong families and raise children who are strong in their faith, although they sometimes struggle to know how.

Thomas Merton wrote, “All we need is to experience what we already possess.” Most families don’t recognize that they already possess that elusive meaning which they seek. They have within themselves all of the resources and strengths they need. Their children are waiting for their parents to take action and proclaim, “Today is an important day in our lives because….”

You already possess all you need to pray as a family. There are common fears that parents bring to family prayer if they have not tried it before. Some parents are self-conscious about prayer and feel inadequate to this task. Some fear they have waited too long, that because their oldest children are in adolescence, it’s too late to start. Other parents fear they are starting too early or pushing too hard. Parents can overcome any of these fears if they share one common desire – a desire for a richer spiritual bonding in the family. They have to be willing to try and fail, turning their feeble attempts over to God with humility and good humor. What is most important to God is our sincere attempts.

Parents must trust that there will be those glorious moments in family life when whatever we’re doing works, when we actually experience God in our midst. Those sacred moments make it all worthwhile. They are the poignant moments Pope John Paul II described in his plea to families, “Family, become what you are…a community of life and love.” (Familiaris Consortio, 1981)

When it comes to teaching children to pray, it’s important that they learn both memorized prayers and to pray spontaneously. Memorized prayers have value, as long as they are not the only prayers offered a child. The primary value of memorizing any material, whether it’s prayers with incomprehensible words, math tables, poems, is that the material is there when the person grows up to understand and need it. Maybe your children won’t understand all the words in a prayer now, but later on, when they are in need of a quick reassuring prayer, they will reach for it and understand it. And it will be there because they learned it from you.

It’s important to begin with the simple, understandable prayers. The first prayer I remember learning as a child was “Angel of God” or the Guardian Angel prayer. I can still remember how reassuring it was to know that I had my own angel who watched over me always. For a toddler’s first prayer, I don’t think this can be surpassed.

It helps to teach children each prayer in bits and pieces so they can better understand and assimilate each phrase. Begin with the sign of the cross and then the “Glory be,” the Our Father and the Hail Mary. In both the Our Father and the Hail Mary there are some phrases and ideas that are too abstract for little minds, for example, “thy will be done” and “fruit of the womb.” Don’t avoid them and don’t dwell on them either. For a four-year-old, “thy will be done” means that whatever God wants, you will do, or “fruit of thy womb” means baby. Don’t be surprised if your child asks why they use such strange words. Give the children the words so that, as they grow to understand, they can put the meaning to the words.

As children get older, it’s also important that they learn the Apostles Creed, the mysteries of the rosary and how to say a rosary, Hail Holy Queen, the Memorare and other favorite prayers of yours that give you strength and comfort.

Although many families prefer spontaneous grace to the familiar “Bless us, O Lord,” it’s important to teach your children the traditional Catholic grace. There are many times when it is used in large groups and in other homes and then they need to know the words.

A child also needs to learn to pray spontaneously and the earlier the child is exposed to spontaneous prayer, the more comfortable the child will be. Begin with a simple prayer of your own at bedtime and as family grace at mealtime. If parents use these times for intimacy with one another and God, it implants the idea that God is an integral part of family life. Parents serve as models in teaching spontaneous prayer. For example, before bedtime your prayer might be: “Thank you, God, for this day and please take care of us tonight” or “God bless, grandma and grandpa….” and before a family meal: “O God, we thank you for this food, for the snow today, for Ion’s good day at school and for each other. Amen.” Be creative and say different prayers. Encourage your child to add his or her own words, initially, and when the child is able, invite him or her to say a homemade grace. You’ll be surprised and pleased at how comfortable your child will be after hearing and watching you do it.

Once the family is comfortable with spontaneous prayer before meals and at bedtime, try expanding it to other times during the day. Again, you as parent are the model. In the car when the sun is shining on the mountains you might say “Thanks, God, for such beautiful mountains.” You can also thank God verbally for your child. When you encounter someone in trouble you can verbally pray to God to be with that person. You can pray around a campfire, at the waters edge, before a big event, and after a disappointment. These prayers at the natural moments of your day are powerful in developing the relationship between parent, child and God. It sends a strong message that God is a member of this family.

There are a few pitfalls that I want to point out. Being aware of these before beginning to experiment with family prayer, may help you to avoid some failures.

1.) Don’t put on a false face or voice while praying. The more naturally you pray, the more God becomes real to your family.

2.) Don’t always assume a praying posture. If prayer is to be natural, you should be able to pray while sitting in a patio chair, while taking a walk, or while lying down. It’s important to model informal prayer for children who often mistake the externals of prayer, for instance kneeling, for the prayer itself.

3.) Don’t wait until the children are around to pray naturally. Your children will recognize if you are praying for their sake and it’s not part of what is natural for you.

4.) Don’t overdo it. The best word here is gradual. Learn to love prayer as a part of your family life by allowing it to develop on its own.

5.) Don’t force children or your spouse to pray openly. It isn’t spontaneous if we say a prayer and then stare at someone and wait for that person to come up with one.

People today have a deep desire for prayer, including our children. If you are not already praying as a family, Lent is a good time to begin in simple, gradual ways. Prayer is not about perfection, rather our desire to be one with our God. By praying together, your family will become a community of love, of faith, of the richness that already exists within you and bring that to your parish communities.