Instant Family: There’s No Such Thing

Families come in lots of shapes and sizes today!! In a blended or stepfamily, one or both partners have been married before and lost a spouse through divorce or death and one or both of them have children from their previous marriage. When they fall in love and marry, they form a new stepfamily. Out of the loss of an intact biological family, a newfound commitment, and often heart-wrenching transition, stepfamilies face many lifestyle adjustments and changes.

This new family takes on challenges and rewards different from the “traditional” family. Fortunately, most stepfamilies are able to work through the challenges and make the adjustments necessary to live together successfully. It takes careful planning, open discussions of feelings, positive attitudes, mutual respect and patience. And the understanding and support of family and friends is crucial. So, whether coming from a stepfamily, building a “new” stepfamily, or just as a married couple, it’s important to recognize the dynamics of a stepfamily.

While newly married couples enjoy a honeymoon period of bliss and basking in the love they have for each other, stepfamily couples hit the marital ground at a run. Their honeymoon period may not come for many years. In fact, research shows that it takes about seven years for the average stepfamily to come together as a family unit. In the meantime, couples need to set aside time for each other, even though that’s difficult to do. It’s essential however for them to build a strong marital bond. This will ultimately benefit the children by creating a stable home environment.

Success in stepfamily marriages can be achieved when expectations are kept in check. Designing family rules will help create a structure that makes clear the expectations of all who come and go from the home being created. This isn’t a first time marriage. It has baggage and previous history. It’s essential to both honor that and to not let it keep this “stepfamily” from new rituals and patterns of family involvement. Including the children in the solutions for the family creates a sense of ownership.

There will be parenting issues in the new stepfamily. Children will maximize their advantage and play each side against the other. It’s common for the stepparent to feel disempowered and ignored. It may help to understand that no matter how wonderful and loving a stepparent may be to the children, biological bonds are stronger. It’s the responsibility of the biological parent in the home to manage the discipline of their children. On occasion, he or she may delegate that power to the stepparent on a particular issue or for a period of time. For example, because dad has to work late, the stepmother has his permission to check homework and impose consequences if it isn’t completed.

Remember that both partners have the role of leadership in the family. They need to pay attention to and support one another. Talking things out before they become a problem is critical. A couple must both agree to solutions and then be accountable to one another for their part in carrying it out.

This is just a beginning of what could be said about stepfamilies. “Stepping” into a new life, into a new family of hope and challenges will show to the world the power of love and acceptance. It takes energy to create any family and everyone benefits, both the couple and the children. If you are forming a new family and in need support or assistance, be sure to reach out to family and friends, and to this office.

Myths about blended families / stepfamilies

The following are erroneous beliefs that can influence the way family members react to each other.

• Love occurs instantly between a stepchild and stepparent.

- This is the expectation that because you love your new partner, you will automatically love their children, or that the children will automatically love you because you are a nice person. Establishing relationships takes time.

- It is hard to acknowledge that sometimes you want to have a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to have a relationship with you. That hurts. When people hurt, they may become resentful and angry.

- Stepfamily adjustment will be easier if you begin your relationships with your stepchildren with minimal, realistic expectations about how those relationships will develop. Then you will be pleased when respect and friendship blossom and less disappointed if it takes longer than you anticipated.

• Children of divorce and remarriage are damaged forever.

- Children go though a painful period of adjustment after a divorce or remarriage. Parents often feel guilty about this and try to make it up to them. This makes it hard to respond appropriately to each child’s hurt and to set appropriate limits an important part of parenting.

- Research has demonstrated that within 5-10 years, most children recover their emotional equilibrium and are no different, in many important ways, from kids in first marriage families.

• Stepmothers or stepfathers are wicked.

- Because fairy tale stories tell about stepparents who are not kind, nice or fair, people who accept this position may be confused about their roles. You may be a wonderful person who wants to do a good job, but some of the world seems to have another idea about stepparents.

- The negative model of the stepparent can impact you in a very personal way, making you self-conscious about your new role.

• Adjustment to stepfamily life occurs quickly.

- It takes a long time, often 4-7 years or longer, for people to get to know each other, to create positive relationships, and to develop a family history.

• Children adjust to divorce and remarriage more easily if biological parents withdraw.

- Children will always have two biological parents. Having access to both is important to their adjustment and emotional health, except in instances of parental abuse or neglect. Although sometimes visitation is painful for the nonresidential parent, they need to be able to see their nonresidential parent and to think well of him or her.

- It helps if the residential parent and stepparent work toward a parenting partnership with all the adults involved. Sometimes this can’t happen right away, but it can be something to work toward.

• Stepfamilies formed after a parent dies are easier.

- People need time to grieve the loss of a loved one, no matter how the loss occurred. A remarriage may reactivate unfinished grieving. These emotional issues may have a detrimental effect on the new relationship.

- It can be difficult to think realistically about a person who is deceased. The person exists in memory, not in reality, and sometimes gets elevated to sainthood.

- When people remarry after the death of a spouse, they may want a relationship similar to their previous one. New partners may find themselves competing with a ghost.

• Part-time stepfamilies are easier.

- When stepchildren visit only occasionally, there isn’t enough one-on-one time to work on stepchild/ stepparent relationships, and there’s less opportunity for family activities. Since stepfamilies follow an adjustment process, the part-time stepfamily may take longer to move through the process.

• There is only one kind of family.

- Today, there are lots of kinds of families: first marriage, second marriage, single parent, foster, stepfamily. Each type is different; each is valuable.