Forgiveness

Increasingly we hear about the need to forgive those who have hurt us. As difficult as it may be to imagine doing, this is something that is essential to our freedom of spirit and to our spiritual growth. Many people find forgiveness difficult to offer. Here are some guidelines to help extend forgiveness and ease resentment.

1. Educate yourself about forgiveness. "Forgive," according to Webster's New World Dictionary, means: "to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; pardon; to overlook an offense; to cancel a debt." Thus, the goal of forgiveness is to let go of a hurt and move ahead with life. And it’s important to be clear about what true forgiveness is not:

Forgetting: If the hurt wounded you enough to require forgiveness, you may always have a memory of it.

Excusing or condoning: The wrong should not be denied, minimized, or justified. It does not mean saying that what was done was acceptable.

Reconciling: You can forgive the offender and still choose not to reestablish the relationship.

Weakness: You do not become a doormat or oblivious to cruelty. You do not give permission for the behavior to be repeated.

2. Why? Do not require knowing 'why' as a prerequisite to forgiveness. Knowing why the behavior happened is unlikely to lessen the pain. Occasionally, there are times when knowing why makes forgiveness unnecessary, but they are rare. Don't count on it and don't count on even the perpetrator knowing why.

3. Recognize who is being hurt by your non-forgiveness. Withholding forgiveness and nursing resentment contribute to allowing another person to have control over your well-being. It is always a mistake to let such negative emotions influence your living. Does the other person burn with your anger, feel the knot in your stomach, experience the cycling and recycling of your thoughts as you re-experience the events in your mind? Do they stay awake as you rehearse in your mind what you would like to say or do to 'punish' them? No. The truth is that the pain is all yours. And when you can't forgive someone, there can be a ripple effect which negatively infects your family and friends. Forgiveness is a priceless gift which you can give to yourself and your family.

4. Practice with small hurts. To become a generous forgiver of major pains, practice forgiveness on small hurts. Has someone hurt you by his or her comments? Were you publicly insulted by someone? Did a friend fail to come through for you? Forgive immediately the small slights inflicted by strangers - a rude clerk, a driver who cut you off, a doctor who keeps you waiting and waiting, etc. Use those events as practice time to prepare you for the tougher task of forgiving major hurts.

5. Challenge the "shoulds" in your thinking. Forgiveness is much easier when you give up the irrational belief which fuels your frustration, anger, and hostility - the expectation that other people will always act in the way you want. Beware of the "shoulds" in your thinking and speaking:

He shouldn't have done this to me.

She shouldn't act that way.

My daughter should have known better.

My son should be more attentive to me.

I've worked hard and I should have been rewarded.

Whenever you find the word "should" in your thinking, challenge yourself. Tell yourself it is unrealistic to expect that people will always act decently and respectfully toward you. Remind yourself that everyone is fallible and capable of making a mistake.

6. Understand that resentment has a high price tag. Holding a grudge takes mental, emotional, and physical energy. It often makes a person obsessive, angry, and depressed. There's a strong connection between anger and many health problems - chronic stomach upset, heart problems, and skin conditions among them. Whenever a hostile or hateful thought enters your mind, try to be fully aware of the cost of holding onto that resentment. Let that further motivate you to forgive and let go.

7. Do some writing. Make a list of what you need to forgive. What was actually done that caused your pain? Not what you felt, what was done.

Acknowledge your part. Were you honest about your hurt or did you hide the fact that the behavior hurt you? Did you seek peace by reassuring the perpetrator that it was all right? Did you stay when you could or should have left?

Make a list of what you gained from the relationship, whatever form of relationship it was. Looking back you may be focusing on the negatives, the hurts. Yet if they were repeated, there must have been something that seemed positive in the relationship at that time. If you did not remove yourself, why?

Write a letter to the person who hurt you – and then, don't mail it. Let it be an honest expression of your feelings. Don’t focus only on the hurts; acknowledge if you can what you gained from the relationship, and express forgiveness for the hurts.

8. Ritualize. Create a ceremony in which you get rid of your lists and the letter, symbolizing an end to the link between you. You may choose to visualize placing them on a raft and watching it drift gently away down a river. You may prefer to burn them and scatter the ashes. You may bury the letter in a potted plant or somewhere in your yard. Find a meaningful and symbolic way of ritualizing the separation for you.

And remember that forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself. A former inmate of a Nazi concentration camp was visiting a friend who shared the ordeal with him. "Have you forgiven the Nazis?" he asked his friend. "Yes." "Well, I haven't. I'm still consumed with hatred for them," the other man declared. "In that case," said his friend gently, "they still have you in prison." Ultimately, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Bitterness and anger imprison you emotionally. Forgiveness sets you free.