Before the Preteen Years, Time to Get Involved

The importance of getting more involved with your child before their preteen years cannot be overstated. While it seems there’s not always time, these tips are meant to help you as a parent to stay involved in your child’s life and help your child make healthy choices as they move through their preteen and teenage year.

1. Schedule time for you and your child. Plan for it. Make an appointment with your child and write it on your calendar. Most importantly, hold yourself to it. Even scheduling a short time can show your child he or she is important.

2. Catch your child doing something right. It’s so easy to focus on the bad behavior of your children. “Catching” your child doing things right and complimenting the behavior, can encourage good behavior and keep the communication lines open. This can be as easy as saying, “Hey, your room looks great.”

3. Prove you are listening by asking questions. It’s easy enough to pretend to listen. Really listening is harder because you have to pay attention and ask follow-up questions. Children can tell the difference. If you rarely listen to your child when he or she wants to talk, your child will be less likely to open up when you really want to connect.

4. Post a family calendar. A good way to keep your family connected is to write everything down such as soccer practice, hair appointments, work schedules, and family outings. This way you can better monitor your child’s plans as he or she gets older and more independent. In the meantime, your child will feel more connected simply by knowing where you are.

5. Create rules, and then enforce them. Rules are the boundaries that every child needs. Say yes when you can, but make no stick. Only the rules you enforce will matter. Don’t set rules you do not intend to or cannot enforce. That will only create confusion and problems later.

6. Regularly share a meal with your children. Even if you cannot always eat with your children, you may be able to find a few days a week when you can. It will encourage each of you to catch up with one another. One suggestion would be to have conversation without the interference of television.

7. Share your day. Every parent has heard it. “How’s your day?” the parent asks. “Fine,” the child responds and then there is silence. One way to help your child open up is to first share a brief story about your day, especially something positive, light-hearted or humorous. This will establish a pattern of sharing that helps the child to share when something difficult has happened in his or her day.

8. Write your child a thank-you note. Some children say one of the reasons they know their parents care is because they get thank-you notes left at the dinner table, stuck in a book or slipped under a pillow. You don’t need to thank your child for anything really big. It can be for setting the table, helping a friend, or saying something nice.

9. Ask your child for advice. Of course, you are not going to consult your child about approaching your boss or refinancing your home. However, there are lots of smaller issues where your child will appreciate being asked for input. It is especially important to include your child in decisions that affect his or her life. It shows you value their opinion, especially if you take their advice seriously and sometimes act on it.

10. Give your children family responsibilities. Assign your child a chore that helps the whole family – like organizing your home recycling efforts or caring for the dog. By giving your child age appropriate responsibilities you are letting your child know that you trust his or her competence and are allowing them to gradually feel more “adult.”